Gas Station Uniqueness IV: Tooth Decay

pique road text

Once again I return to pummel an equid carcass. See? Just use 10 cent words and no one notices all I do is go to gas stations. Either way here we go again. Strap in this one has been a long time coming and it’s absolutely riddled with gas station goodness.

First stop:

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Pretty big and hard to miss from the highway, this epic convenience store had as much product as anyone could ever hope to walk by on their way to the bathroom.IMG_20150512_154103931_HDR

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It’s a new crop guys!!! Oh, don’t like pecans?

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IMG_20150512_153942474_HDR IMG_20150512_153959628_HDR  IMG_20150512_154150454_HDR

I noticed amid the surplus of nuts the very strong lack of any catchy branding. I took it upon myself to render this roadside bathroom/gas station a fresh and more intriguing slogan.  After a few moments of deliberation, I felt the pang of genius wash over me.

“The Magnolia Plantation, we gots more nuts than a Turkish Bathhouse”

Yes, I know it’s absolutely brilliant.

However, the cashier did not share my enthusiasm for this perfect catchphrase I came up with. She assured me they were set on their less than enthralling saying “The South’s Finest”, but would let management know when they came in.IMG_20150512_154145373_HDR

Raw peanut meats……..great.

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You know you want one. Who came up with the prices here?

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Look at all this crap!IMG_20150512_153920745_HDR

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I mean damn! This is a well stocked storeIMG_20150512_154043454_HDR IMG_20150512_154049265_HDR IMG_20150512_154119598_HDR IMG_20150512_154134775_HDR IMG_20150512_154453949_HDR IMG_20150512_154502589_HDR IMG_20150512_154456749_HDR

So. Much. Crap

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Oh yeah I bet the used book section at this gas station/nut emporium has a great selection.IMG_20150512_154927885_HDR

Ok, the boxes are pretty cool.IMG_20150512_155047302_HDR

Fun all year? You better believe it! If it takes you a full year to do a coloring book that is.

IMG_20150512_154336172_HDRThese are also pretty neat.IMG_20150512_154342204_HDRYeah, I am starting to like this store. Sue me.

IMG_20150512_154355706_HDROh!! Gold mine!

Mmm, deliciously outdated puns.

IMG_20150512_155329397_HDRBathroom peek. Not a bad setup. Full auto restrooms, very modern.

Stop number 2:IMG_20160206_125706171

Redmons Taffy:

Right next to: IMG_20160206_125811674

I didn’t have time to go in. Curses. I am sure it would have been magical.

Before long, I kept feeling these eyes on me everywhere I went. Was there some unseen security force tracking my steps??

No, it was something far worse.

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I can only assume this nightmare inducing mascot was once a lonely traveler as well, and he got caught stealing and some evil witch turned him into a painting and hung his effigy all over the store as a warning to all thieves to reconsider fucking with this particular candy store.

I mean, who else would own and operate a candy factory, but a bitter, evil, displaced witch. Thanks a lot you puritans!

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This poor man.

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Lets get to the candy and leave poor….Reginald, yes that’s his name. I don’t care if he looks more like a Roger, this is my site!

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Poor Reginald, forced to have so much candy within his reach  and to have it be so very far away.IMG_20160206_123823810

No but really this place had everything.IMG_20160206_123831205_HDR

Ever wondered what your Grandma would’ve eaten if she lived in the Midwest, BAM!: IMG_20160206_123851028

Honeycomb peanuts, they don’t taste like honey. They are bright orange-yellow and peanut-butter flavored, but like hyper peanut butter flavor. Not for me.IMG_20160206_123916540

I tried to buy some of these but they wouldn’t let me. Something to do with privilege and I wouldn’t understand. Oh well.  IMG_20160206_124114044

Ha! Nice….or so I thought. They have chocolate on the outside. Bastards. IMG_20160206_124023795

Root beer Barrels! Peewee would be proud, and they have floats as well. Nice!!IMG_20160206_123951303

You know, for the assorted rod fans out there. There is a dick joke somewhere here but I cant make it fit…….  IMG_20160206_123935702

My mother would try these, but chocolate flavored chalk isn’t quite in my wheel house.IMG_20160206_124140074_HDR

SON OF A BITCH!!!!!! That’s what I came in here looking for!IMG_20160206_124151663

On snap! What’s bazooka Joe up to? His same old adventures? Nope, and don’t look it up, No comics just weird games and online codes.IMG_20160206_124219180_HDR IMG_20160206_124224693

These are gross. Just saying.IMG_20160206_124240460 IMG_20160206_124304382

These are also gross. IMG_20160206_124323260_HDR

For the health conscience candy addict, blueberry pomegranate acai taffy. So there you go.

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There we go Banana Taffy.IMG_20160206_124431208

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If you click on them they will get bigger. Some of the weirdest popcorn flavors I have ever seen. Sour cream and onion, Bubble Gum, Cherry Limeaid, Peanut butter and jelly, birthday cake and Cookies and cream.
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Oh yes, I should have only bought this. Didn’t try the red velvet. I don’t trust white things. IMG_20160206_124750058_HDR

Gross.
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Not as bad as you think. IMG_20160206_124853347

Ok, these actually tasted like cinnamon rolls, pretty sure that was some more of that witchcraft.IMG_20160206_124836692_HDR

Didn’t try them.IMG_20160206_124830733

Yeah right.
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Good, but doesn’t come close to the honey ones.IMG_20160206_124817481

Ok, I know what you are thinking: “That sounds disgusting!” I am here to tell you that if you don’t like these then you have a very good palate. I purchased one of these and immediately regretted it as soon as I popped it in my mouth. Think, extra smokey bacon bits(the slightly furry neon red ones) and super sweet maple flavoring in a glob of taffy. Horrific is too kind of a word to use to describe it.IMG_20160206_124904808

Actually very nice and mellow. IMG_20160206_125019370

The inner workings. Oh what do we have here?
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MMM, chocolate marshmallow sticks!! And, of course what fine candy factory would be complete with out a bit of health-food? Chocolate covered “Twinkies”. I love that they made sure to tell you they are delicious. I guess they use off brand “Twinkies”.IMG_20160206_125030375_HDR

OOOH! Assorted candy beads! IMG_20160206_125204569_HDR

The Dude abides!IMG_20160206_125226600 IMG_20160206_125222134

They make their own soda too. IMG_20160206_125319760_HDR

Grape flavored ax mustaches. Why?

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Famous for clean restrooms? Hmm, I’ll be the judge of that.

IMG_20160206_123715624LIARS!!!! How disgusting! I have never been in such a untidy bathroom. Disgraceful.

More like:img_20160206_125851008 (1)

Gotcha Redmons! They will be feeling that burn for years.

 

Thanks for wasting your time here again. There you go, nine hundred and seventy yummy words.

 

-Hank

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